My girlfriend

[Guest]

I am hoping this is in the right section.

If not, I apologise now.

My girlfried was diagnosed with HMS last Friday. (It's taken time to get round to this because I was away at the weekend and didn't have a free moment to process it, which I do feel guilty about; and it took a while for this account to be activated.)

My girlfriend is the sweetest, funniest, greatest person I have ever met, and I haven't always been good to her. I had no idea how much she hurt until a few weeks ago when it began to get worse.

It seems real now, since the diagnosis, and I want to be able to help her. I haven't been treating her specially, because I know in her shoes I wouldn't like it.

Do any of you have any advice of how I can be there for her, what I can do to help, or anything at all for me to do or think about so I can be a help to her?

Anything at all, is greatly appreciated.

[Princess_Sarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum

We all know how difficult it is when being first diagnosed and it was an even worse for my boyfriend to come to terms with it. I guess my only advice would be - be there when she needs you and try not to be insensitive to her feelings. I know I get mood swings and some days feel really down but on these days my boyfriend will hug me, talk it through and he usually gets me some flowers or something to brighten up my day. Although you have no idea how she is feeling just try to be strong for her.

Sorry if thats rubbish advice but it usually helps for me.

Take care

Sarah xxox

[Shadowlady]

First of all - How fab are you coming here to find out about her HMS, and what you can do to help! I think you're great!

It's hard to advise you, as I don't know you or your girlfriend, but I can tell you about my boyfriend - he is fantastic, and my experiences.

I've had all kinds of issues on top of my HMS, which is mild in the scheme of things, but it does have a large effect on how I run my life. When I first found out it was fairly shocking and overwhelming. I really struggled for a long time before I started to make the changes I needed to in my life, I changed very slowly, I couldn't have done it quickly. I do feel a lot more in control now I know lots of different exercises, and I'm getting a bit better at pacing myself, and I've accepted some limitations to my life, for example, I will never work full time again, it just takes too much time and energy, and I need a life outside work, hobbies, and time with friends. This may not be the same for your girlfriend, but she will need time to come to terms with it.

My bf is fantastic. It's like he was brought up to be my perfect man without his parents knowing me (I have thanked them for this ) The biggest thing for me is how he accepts how I feel, and what I say, he listens and tries to understand. He always says he doesn't understand, but actually, I think he does more than he knows! He respects and accepts that sometimes I get scared, sometimes I get down, and sometimes I get over-enthusiastic and try to do to much. This is all ok by him, I set my own limitations, as they seem to vary quite a bit, he respects that, and helps me deal with the consequences. Occasionally, I'm seriously lacking in a sense of humour, and he helps me laugh at myself, but stops if he sees it's too soon for laughing!

He treats me like I'm normal, because I am, despite HMS and history of mental illness, what is normal anyway!?! When he helps me physically, usually with carrying heavy stuff, he does so in a gentlemanly way, rather than a 'Ooh, you shouldn't do that' way, which is lovely. When I'm in a lot of pain or over-tired, he does a lot more for me, making dinner, getting drinks and generally doing the jobs that I normally do.

I just asked him about your post; first he said "Tell him to get another girlfriend" but then he said "Tell him just to try and help her however he can"

That's all you can do really, listen to her, let her deal with it her way, and just try to be there.

Hope I've not waffled too much!

All the best to the both of you

[Zoe*]

Im going to say this as it really irritated when i was diagnosed
My boyfriend si amazing and he is really helpful but at the beggining he was forever asking me if i was ok, doing littereally everything for me and not letting me walk to far etc etc
This is helpful sometimes but you have to realised she has just been diagnosed
She will be going through every emotion on the planet! She probably will ahve ///// ///// and mood swings and crying moments. Which you will have to deal with first. Then ask her what she wants but for goodness sake dont stifle her!
Anyway rant over!
Welcome to the forum and i think its wonderful of you to do this for your girlfriend!

[Guest]

Thank you all very much.

I tried to put myself in her shoes - but I couldn't manage that.

[flyingfairy]

The most important thing for me would be that you still treated me as a normal person don't start trying to do things for her you will get no thanks not unless she asks you to. Don't tell her you know how she is feeling because really you have no idea. Try to keep things as normal as possible she is not a different person now she has a diagonise. Show her love and affection when she once it and take a step back when she needs time to herself. She is struglling at the moment to deal with her own thoughts and feelings without worrying about yours. Stick with her, don't be afraid to ask questions she would rather you asked her than worry. Also later on after she has come to terms with things ask her questions try to understand becuase if she is anything like i am she will try to hide things from you, she will only say things when she is struglling with the pain. Also if she is having a bad day don't be to surprised if she just tells you to leave her alone

[haddy]

Hi, my boyfriend too is great, but the most annoying thing he does is to try and stop me doing something if it will hurt. I quite enjoy going to concerts but he is reluctant as he knows this will hurt and he doesn't understand how i still want to go and live with the pain the next day. He normally gives in and we go and i know he is only doing it to look after me. I also learned on a pain management course that know matter how long you've lived with someone or how close you are, you can never judge how they are feeling completely without asking them so don't assume things. Good luck, its always easier when there are people to ask

[bendytwistything]

One thing il say is to just listen to her. If she needs to rant let her (it may be boring but i bet she'll appreciate it!) my bf lets me babble on and doesn't make a fuss bless him. Try not to make too much fuss about it (if she says she thinks she can cope doing something, let her try and be prepared to help if needs be (without saying "i told you so"). I always find that if iv tripped over in public or dislocated something and am sore all i want is for my bf to hold me and cuddle me, its amazing just how comforting a cuddle from the one you love can be. He is also the only person i know who is happy to pop my joints back in for me without being squeemish (sp?) and doesn't take the mickey out of the lack of dignity with which i walk. Although saying ythat sometimes its funny to make light of it. I'm sure she'll just be happy to have some one on her side. Especially for support/back-up at the drs or hopital appointments.

You're obviously very dedicated to her and if i was her i'd be grateful that your taking these steps to help her, its really sweet of you. Good luck, hope things look up for you soon

KT

[Sandy L]

Bendytwistything's reply bears an amen. See the post by Kate a few topics up.

[hippyshaker]

hiya, i think its luvley that u are wanting to help your girlf so much.. the only thing i could add to that already posted may not even be relevant to you and your girlf but i know it does worry me. im forever asking boyf if he'd rather be without me or if he thinks it will get too much in the future for him, cud he say so now etc.. he always reassures me to stop worrying etc that he luvs ME an dnot what i can do etc but it is a worry i always have so the only advise i wud add is to ensure your girlf knows exactly how u feel about her as if she is worrying about the future and how she will end up she may worry about her and you too..
hippy.. xxxx

[flyingfairy]

The only advise i could give is treat her like normal you won't get any thanks if you start trying to be all protective.

[Sola^]

My hottest tip is communication.

And make sure to take care of yourself too. It won't do anybody no good if you wear yourself out. I almost wore myself out before Christmas. I just took on too much responsibility. It turned out that I took on more than necessary.

[firefairy]

Yeah my hubby injured himself at karate and didnt tell any1 DUH!!!!!. Anyway we got on with things as usual he hung the washing up n did all the lifting (my shoulder is completly useless).

He woke up one night not able to breath and unable to turn over, so muggins here had to use a subluxing shoulder to roll a 10 1/2 stone man and pull him out of bed OWWWWWWW. Also twisting my bad hip in the process. I was not impressed but he was in agony with his shoulder off to A & E we popped - thats a whole other story.

He had had a not too bad injury but had agrevated it to the point he needed 5 WEEKS off work poor thing. And u should have seen us try to do stuff one using one arm the other using another god knows what people thought.

The moral of the story is, yes do help but dont be stupidly heroic about it like he was. Sweet but dumb

Look after urself too, but tell her when u need to

[flyingfairy]

Just be there for her and show her that you love her whole heartdly no matter what she is like. You do need to talk to each other though it is very important

[Jenny]

- Don't shout or make comments when she can't manage something, or drops something

- Remember each day is different

- Try and pick up on all the little hints that might indicate how much pain she is in

- Let her try things

- Remember that if she doesn't want to do something (like the cinema) it might be because it hurts

- Don't focus too much on the diagnosis but just be helpful

- Remember to keep loving her