Insensitive comments

[Sue New]

Hi Everyone,

I am not sure if we have a post running on this topic or not at the moment so I have started one anyway.

The last couple of days, I have had some people say or ask some insensitive questions when they have seen me on my crutches - I know sometimes people do this without meaning to be hurtful, but it is hard sometimes not to take their comments to heart. Below are two examples:

1) The other afternoon I was leaning against the wall waiting for my bus, holding on to my 2 elbow crutches. This guy says to me:

Are you a proper cripple or are you just blagging it?

I was quite shocked so I just said:

Proper, unfortunately

and he said:

Oh, how appalling for you.

He then went staggering down the road - I think he had had one too many to drink, but he still left me feeling a bit upset about it all.

2) This morning we popped into my hubby's Bowls Club to collect some prizes we had won in the Xmas raffle . A woman I did not know, after seeing me on my crutches said something like:

Oh dear, what a shame you are on crutches for Xmas - how long are you likely to be on those?

I replied:

For life. Remember, crutches are for life, not just for Xmas!!

The woman was mortified and apologised for putting her foot in it. To be honest she did not really upset me too much but the guy at the bus stop did. I often think of witty things I could have replied with after the event, but I am not usually quick enough to come out with them.

Has anyone else experienced any insensitive questions lately, or got any witty replies they would like to share with the group?

Take care all

Sue.

[jayne]

Hi sue, until I had my op on my wrist I was wearing my NHS slpint or the awful moulded plastic thing they made for me. I was constantly having people ask 'what have you done to your arm?' I always want to say leave me alone and mind your own, but used to tell them that I broke it and it will always hurt. then you get the 'awww poor you'.

I can't help but think that if I were a 70 year old arthritic lady they would'nt be asking why we are wearing splints, using crutches or wheelchairs, I must admit I find these people annoying and rude just because we look ok they think they can ask a total stranger whats wrong with them.

i don't mean to rant but I can really sympathise with sue about nebby people.

[ladyred]

Yep Sue

Know what you mean there. I had a comment in the pub not so long ago which went along the lines of "now what have you done" accompanied with rolling of the eyes. Also had someone tell me that there always seems to be something wrong with me. Makes me soooooooooo maaaaad !!!!!!!!!

San

[nickb]

Yup, I get alot of "what have you done to yourself then?" like I purposefully damage myself!

Must admit its got a bit better since i bought a non-nhs looking walking stick, i think people realise its a bit more permanent than when i had the nhs one

[Hayley]

Because people don't know of HMS and it's problems, I tend to just say (to strangers) that it's arthritis - they always seem to accept that somehow!

Hayley

[LianneS]

Im relatively mild in my HMS so I dont have crutches or aids. Im also someone who tends to get on with things and stays shut up if Im in pain... so I never get these hurtful comments. Ok thats good but it backfires as there are times I cant do something and my friends cant understand why.
I have started to tell friends now but on the outside I have no sign of HMS (like I said no aids) so strangers dont comment..

I think people can be very hurtful and Im sorry youre all feeling this.

Lianne

[kayadlington]

Had a good one last night at church...this lovely little old lady that I've spoken to a few times came up to me, and asked what I'd done as they'd seen me with my (pretty tinsely) stick, and then when I said it was a permant fixture she said I don't know what a young thing like you would need one of those for, when even I don't have one (and she was about 90!). Grrrrrrrrrr, really really wasn't impressed, doesn't she realise how hard it is to use one in public without those comments.

to all
Kay

[Sez]

I was coming out of a supermarket on my lunch break on Friday when a taxi driver dropped a couple of people off, leaned over the front seat and screamed:

Oi, what've you done to yourself!

like I'd borrowed his body and crashed it . I just refused to acknowledge someone shouting at me so rudely, so I ignored him and hobbled off. The day before, one of the Heads of Section from work had seen me in the wheelchair and asked if I'd had an accident, because I don't tend to use walking aids at work if I can help it. I just explained I'm "double jointed" all over.. I hate that term, but it's one people tend to understand... and he apologised for not realising! I told him it was okay - I don't expect people around me to be psychic!

[Dom]

Hi All

Can soooooo relate to this! Often I don't splint or tubigrip just to avoid 'the what have you done now?' comments. Don't mind it from really close friends who know and understand, but it really gets to me when it comes from strangers or people I am not close to - why do they think they have a right to mock and pass judgement?

After the last week (had hand/wrist splinted) and various unwanted and unnecessary comments, I have decided that the next person who makes an insensitive comment will get the full force of my tongue :bang: - I feel it is about time I challenged rather than just ignoring the ignorance! grrrrrr

Feel better for letting that out

Keep well all

Dom

[Shelley]

ah we love these...

when people give me the "what have you done now?" look or question... i have varied responses...
* "my body is a piece of ***t" has been know to come out of my mouth
*sometimes i do the whole 'you asked so you're getting the whole story which is bound to shut you up next time' - aka, i tell them all my joints dislocate all the time, i have EDS III, that there are 10 different types, that its rare, that its genetic and i got a bum hand when i was born.. i tell them i've had 7 operations, i can't play sport... basically tell them how c**p it all is - and really, they never ask a second time !!!!!
*sometimes i just say "i know, i'm special!"

** i have been known to make up stupid responses like - oh i went sky diving and landed in a tree, or i got shot (that one came up at christmas drinks the other day - when i said i'd just had a shoulder operation, someone thought i'd said "i got shot" hahah, that was amusing so i use it now!)

but seriously, it hurts when people make comments like that - it cuts deep - if it annoys me i give them the p*ssed off response, if it upsets me i give them the "woe is me" response.. and when i find it funny, the i'm special response.

basically, i get rid of the offender and feel the pain of their comments afterwards !!!

[Blaadyblah]

My most irritating ones... off the top of my head, like.

"You need a padded suit!"
"You're not safe to be let out on your own, are you?"
"What have you done to yourself this time?"
"Well you're just falling to bits, aren't you?"
"There's always <i>something</i> wrong with you."

AAARGH! AAARGH! AAARGH!

Honestly, some people are just so d**n rude! Worse, they don't realise they're being rude, they think they're being funny.

Also on the list of annoyances is dealing with people who don't get that I can be fine one minute and in pain the next, so while yesterday I could quite happily carry a box up from stationery/take out the bin bags/drive 50 miles/stand for half an hour, I'm not neccesarily going to be able to do it today.

"But you did it the other day..."

Grr!

[Sez]

Also on the list of annoyances is dealing with people who don't get that I can be fine one minute and in pain the next, so while yesterday I could quite happily carry a box up from stationery/take out the bin bags/drive 50 miles/stand for half an hour, I'm not neccesarily going to be able to do it today.

"But you did it the other day..."

Grr!

There was a fab article in the last HMSA newsletter about Chronic Pain, and this is one of the points it raised. I've photocopied it and have it in my medical file (which is a great huge thing ) waiting in my desk drawer for my impending meeting with my employer. They still feel that I'm incapable of doing my job, and the doctor from Occupational Health said I should be signed off work, but nothing has been done/said about it as yet... I went to Occupational Health in November and I'm still sitting at my desk, day in, day out.....

[elliewelly]

AAARGH! AAARGH! AAARGH!

Honestly, some people are just so d**n rude! Worse, they don't realise they're being rude, they think they're being funny.

Also on the list of annoyances is dealing with people who don't get that I can be fine one minute and in pain the next, so while yesterday I could quite happily carry a box up from stationery/take out the bin bags/drive 50 miles/stand for half an hour, I'm not neccesarily going to be able to do it today

I can relate to all of this, especially the umpteenth person noticing the wrist splint and saying "what have you done NOW?" or "How did you hurt yourself?" What am I supposed to do? Laugh along with them? Or explain that I hurt myself trying to cut up my food/ turn over in bed/ get out of the bath (which makes me look like a walking disaster area). Sometimes I tell people my wrist problems are an occupational hazard of being a musician. When I get sick of it all, I say "I'm not stuck together very well", and if they still don't get the message I bend my joints in the most revolting way I can think of!

[ladyred]

I must admit I'm a bit like Elliewelly in the bending joints in disgusting ways type thing. Especially do it with my thumbs (even though I know I really shouldn't), I do it when someone says "oh anyone can do that" when I bens my thumb to my wrist. I get a shiver of annoyance and slide my thumbs up to completely dislocate them and people look at me in sickned shock :twisted:

Like I say, it's a bad thing to do but it just comes over me

San

[vickers]

My mum came out with a blinder the other day when I mentioned my shoulders subluxing.

Me:- "My shoulder came out last night and trapped a nerve.It's ok though cos it's back in now"

Mother:- "Oh Stop it!!"

Me, struggling not to cry and getting a little hysterical:-"oh! I'd love to but I can't can I!? They just do it, I can't make them stop, I don't do it for fun you know."

Que shocked looks from my Dad and very apologetic response from Mum. I did feel a bit guilty, it's not their fault I'm bendy but occasionally it helps them so see that I'm not coping as well as they think I am and I did then apologise for taking it out on them.