Overly Concerned Friends?

[Jorgie]

First new topic soooo hi
This has probably already been covered so I apologise in advance.

Okay, so I was diagnosed with HMS just over a year ago whe I was 17 and my family haven't been the most supportive (my dad thinks it's all in my head) but most of my friends have been great, either been very understanding when things are bad or treating me as normal when I'm feeling OK. But I have one friend who nearly always brings the conversation round to HMS and how hard it must be to cope/stay positive etc. I appreciate the concern, I really really do, it's very sweet, but it's driving me crazy! Because it's a near constant reminder of how hard it can be and how differently he sees me these days. And it can be really depressing.
I'm struggling to get him to understand that it doesn't completely rule my life (although it is a pretty big part of it) and that I don't want to talk about it ALL of the time. That talking about the random stuff we used to talk about is good and also that being in pain doesn't always mean I'm sat around feeling sorry for myself.
And I feel so bad that his constant concern irritates me.
Any advice?

[sianbuck]

hi jorgie,

explain to him how you feel, exactly how you explained it to us, he probably doesn't even realize that he's doing it so if you don't tell him he wont know. make sure he knows that you were born with HMS, and a diagnosis hasn't changed the person you are so theres no reason to act differently. maybe he feels bad that his friend has to go through the 'bad days' and thats why its on his mind? it sounds like you have great friends that really care, and great friends will understand how you feel.

take care

sian x

[Rosie]

Hiya

Ah, bless him, he really is trying isn't he? Typical man though (sorry to the male members), he hasn't quite got the hang of it yet. Do talk to him though, let him know that you really appreciate his understanding and concern, but if it is OK with him, you would rather not talk about HMS all the time. Somehow you need to let him know that although there are times when your HMS means you really need a hand, and that you are happy to answer any questions he has about it, that you also need time when you don't have to think about your HMS, so you can get on with the rest of your life.
Good luck!

Rosie

[Blaadyblah]

There's at least one post about this type in the insensitive comments topic. I know a few people that are like this and it drives me absolutely insane. There's only one thing worse than someone who just doesn't get it and that is someone who gets it, but can't get past it.

They're trying to help, I know but when being told for the fifth time in an hour how much they admire me, how brave I am, how I'm always so positive I do get an urge to do violence that would prove that I don't cope with absolutely everything life throws at me.

Don't feel bad that it gets to you - of course it does. You might want to point out that he's reminding you of it all the time, or perhaps lightly suggest that he seems to be more upset and worried by your situation than you are. Failing that just change the subject religiously whenever he brings it up. He should soon get the message.

[Jorgie]

Thanks for the replies guys. Next time he brings it up I will address the issue directly I think... in a nice way though.

I suspect that since he is technically in my bad books for being a massive idiot he may be overcompensating, either conciously or subconciously, and I shall have to point out that this is driving me crazy and that it doesn't detract from the original idiocy

Hope you're all keeping well!

[Ashbags]

Maybe you can tell him that you appreciate his concern, but since you've been coping with various associated problems your whole life, you don't really know any different, so it doesn't bother you as much as he thinks it does.

I am guessing that's how you feel anyway, because that's how it is for me. I didn't actually even realize how many symptoms I had until I stared analyzing them, but I can't really imagine how it would be to have a) normal feet that hold themselves up b) a stomach that never gives problems c) etc. You learn how best to cope with it and you get on with enjoying your life. The way I look at things, is that there are a lot worse things that could be wrong with me.

Once your friend has been able to process and move on (maybe with a little help from you), I'm sure it will be really great for you to have him as a friend who is supportive and is on your side, especially during the bad times.

[moonmaiden]

Just wanted to say I sympathise with this, although in my case it's someone at work- I've not told many people there about my HMS (although many know I've got a weak back), but one of the few that does constantly flaps and stresses about what I'm picking up, carrying etc. She even offerred to carry an LP for me! (Thankfully my HMS is not that severe!) Nice that she cares but a bit annoying too.