Kids, or no kids...?

[Lonnygirl]

Hi Laura,

I am pretty new on here but I completely agree that this resource is great when making decisions. I have always wanted children and I am painfully broody at the moment. So is my Husband to be (getting married this year). I am terrified about having children though! I am not massively affected by my (undiagnosed) HMS. I can go some days without any pain (I don't take pain medication and manage ok!) I work full time and manage ok with this. But then I come down with a bang when I have a bad few weeks, when I just about manage work and cannot do anything in the evenings and weekends with the zombie like fatigue and pain.(I rolled over in my sleep last night and twisted my hip OUCH). Anyway back to the point!!! I do not know how my body will cope with pregnancy as my hips are affected most. and then how do I look after a child when I am exhausted and in pain! I know I will have children but I am worried about looking after my children!

Sorry to have a moan (didn't mean to!) I really hope your meeting with Dr Graham goes well and you get the answers you need to make your decisions.

Lonnygirl

[lollipop]

So pleased to read that its not just me that this worries. I've never seen my life without children but do have a big question over how/if i'm able to cope with pregnancy and the last effects it could have.

I'm not worried about caring for a child once they are here, as i've cared for my nephew from birth. He comes to stay once/twice a month and I also have 52 children in work to look after each day.

Another worry is how to cope with working and being pregnant. I love my job and wouldn't want to have to give it up. How has anyone else coped with work and pregnancy? Does anyone do a demanding job where the minute your bottom hits the seat your back up again?

[nickb]

Hiya, welcome to the forum.
I'd say that if you can manage as demanding a job as that then you'll manage fine with pregnancy! It affects us all differently just like hms does. I have non-hms friends who are pefectly fit and healthy but seemed to have every problem and pain going all through their pregnancy and others with hms who were fine.

From my own experience I was more tired than normal but up until the last few months i was fine-my main problem was cj's feet in my ribs which made it hard to sleep.
How is your employer with your health now? At the end of the day all pregnant women are likely to need more support from co workers /employers during pregnancy and just remember you don't have to be superwoman, its ok to ask for help!

[Laura]

Hi all

For various reasons, my husband and I can't start trying for a baby until spring next year (assuming we'll get green light for it anyway!), so the rest of this year is fully dedicated for doing as much research as possible and getting emotionally and physically ready for a pregnancy. I have bought a book called 'What to Expect Before You Are Expecting' which gives lots of advice on how to prepare for pregnancy, predicting ovulation etc. Since it's aimed at general public, it does say annoying things like 'if you have a chronic condition, get it under control now'. Slightly easier said than done, me thinks. One of the more interesting recommendations is, however, that women should start taking pre-natal vitamins as early as a year in advance of trying for a baby and three months before at the very least. That does presume, however, that you are planning a pregnancy as far ahead as I am for instance.

Other things I've started doing to get myself ready are:

Losing weight - I've been meaning to do this for years, but I'm hoping pregnancy is a really good motivator so that something will actually happen this time.

Starting pelvic floor exercises and pilates - I'm hoping to get a head start on pelvic floor stability, as it will hopefully get me to not walk into things so much, and pilates is a good way of exercising without killing my joints.

Doing more exercise - so far I've just managed to give myself a flare up, but I'm hoping that if I gradually increase the amoung of exercise I do, I will not only be able to lose weight more quickly, but also be in better general condition to cope with my HMS and an impending pregnancy.

Watching what I eat - I have to careful with my diet anyway because of IBS, but I'm trying to get used to healthy eating now, since I'll have to be good during pregnancy. The 'What to Expect' book has an interesting section on healthy eating, although a lot of it is pretty much common sense anyway.

Asking the experts - I annoyed my gp into agreeing to refer me to the HMS Clinic in UCH, but instead I got a referral to a general rheumatologist in UCH! Not sure what is going on there, but I'm hoping I can get an internal reference to Prof. G in due course.

Paying more attention to my savings account - We have started saving for a baby instead of cool holidays. Babies are expensive - who knew!

Figuring out how to convince my husband that I can't survive pregnancy without a puppy - nothing to do with the pregnancy itself, I just want a second dog.

If anyone can recommend anything else that I should be doing, I would be very grateful for advice!

This post makes me sound positively virtuous, I'll be curious to see how long I can keep it up before I get bored!

[Laura]

As if my first post wasn't long enough, I forgot to mention that my employer is currently very supportive about my health issues. They are happy to make adjustments to help me work as it is, so I have no doubt they would continue to do so during pregnancy. I've spoken with my boss very vaguely about thinking about having a baby, but I haven't gone into much detail about how badly I could be affected. I did mention that I may need a wheelchair at some point and her reaction was that we'll just convert one of the ground floor meeting rooms into an office for me (our department is on the first floor and there is no lift in the building). Her supportiveness give me confidence that I can make baby plans without having to worry about how work will be affected. As we all no doubt know, HMS gives us plenty to worry about as it is!

[lollipop]

Hi Nick,

Thank you for the welcome.

It is a very demanding job, and some days are worse then other. Today was clearly out to get me, i'll be lucky if the kids haven't shared their sickness bug.

My worry with it is the tiredness, as I come home now and i'm shattered. Also carrying the extra weight of the baby will my knees and hips hold up.

My headteacher has been wonderful, but the deputy head isn't so great. She doesn't understand the need for the hospital and physio appointments.

I don't have to be super woman but I am super teacher most of the time. I'm the favourite and I know how upset the children get if i'm off. So they do keep me going and are fab if i'm having a bad day.

[Lonnygirl]

Hi Lollipop,

Seems like you have similar concerns to me. I also have a demanding job with children and I am exhausted after work and at the weekends. I just went to halfords last night and I was wrecked today. I also worry if my hips will hold up during pregnancy. I think the only way to know is to try though and see what happens. I think it will be different for every person.

Well done Laura you are doing loads to prepare. let us know how you get on!!! might try some of that myself! We are hoping to try in the next year or two (finances permitting)

Unfortunately my employer isn't very supportive. I was told I couldn't be hypermobile and I should 'just deal with' my pain as it is part of me!!! I am dreading any extra time off I would need for a pregnancy!!! (however I am looking forward to my official diagnosis to show work!!!)

lonnygirl

[Laura]

Lonnygirl, sorry to hear about your terrible employer. You may wish to drop couple of hints about HMS being a disabling condition, which is therefore covered by the discrimination laws and that your employer is leaving themselves open to a law suit. You have a legal right to demand that your employer makes reasonable adjustments to your working environment to facilitate you being able to work despite your condition. Getting an official diagnosis will certainly make your position even stronger.

I can sympathise with both you and Lollipop about how exhausting work can be. I have a steady office job and I'm still completely knackered by the end of the day - I can't imagine what it must be for you working with children! The extra exercise I'm doing is making me even more sore and tired, so I'm not much use to anyone in the evenings. I hate not being able to do all the things I want, but I'm trying really hard to learn how to pace myself. Having the energy to look after a baby and later a child, particularly after the end of the maternity leave, is a concern for me too, but I'm approaching it with the mentality that if I accept that I can't do everything and pace myself, we will get by and still have a happy and healthy baby.

[Tess]

Hi Everyone,
I'm quite new, but have been reading through a few pregnancy threads, because i am hoping to start a family soon too. Laura - you sound in a similar situation to me... I'm planning about 12 months ahead too, (I've always been ultra organised, and like to plan every last detail of everything i do! lol) and have also got the book 'What to expect before you're expecting'. I haven't sat down to start reading it yet, as i had a bit of a buying spree on Amazon a few weeks ago, and have about 4 books waiting in line to be read!
I do a yoga pilates class once a week, but am hoping to step up my exercise regime a bit, and am trying to eat more healthily.

I have a full time desk job, but my employer is pretty flexible and understanding. I am worried about how i'll cope with looking after a baby and holding down my job though, as i tend to get very tired in the evenings as it is, without all the work of a baby and the sleepless nights. But we have a mortgage to pay, and can't afford for me not to work, so i guess I'll just have to manage somehow.

Have any of you noticed any changes to your condition after coming off the pill? I seem to have deteriorated slightly - getting more back ache, and joints feel more unstable, just wondered if any of you have felt the same...

Tess

[Laura]

Hey Tess

Welcome to the forums! ^_^ I've read through the What to Expect book now and found it very interesting. It has a lot of useful information with regards to vitamins, foods etc. The main advice that I took immediate was starting to take folic acid, even though we're not planning to start trying until next spring, and my husband will also start taking it about three months before we start trying. It was also good to learn about all the different ways of trying to pin point ovulation from an authoritative source and we can now pick and choose how organised we want to be. I think we'll start out fairly relaxed and if nothing happens for a while, we'll try to be more 'accurate'. I bought my husband the 'Blokes Guide to Pregnancy' as a starting point and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to see him reading it at bed time. Part of me thinks that it would be great to just throw caution to the wind and start trying now, but considering how much I panic about being pregnant, I know I'll feel much better about everything if we think things through carefully first. It is a weird thought, though, that this time next year I may be pregnant!

[Tess]

I know what you mean! I've been with my husband for about 10 years (only got married last year though!), and always imagined that we'd have kids together at some point, but actually deciding to do it is pretty scary! lol. I've just started taking folic acid too - but i didn't realise that men should take it too? Sometimes I think i'm too organised, and maybe should just let things happen, but i'd like to do everything possible to ensure a healthy pregnancy and baby, which takes a bit of time. We've spent a lot of money over the last year, on the wedding, new car, and new kitchen, so we need to spend a few months building our savings back up so that we have something to fall back on, before I'm reduced to maternity pay! And, i've got a couple of big hen do's coming up, so i want to be able to make the most of it, before not being able to drink for a while! ha ha.
Is the Blokes Guide to Pregnancy any good? I think my hubby is in need of some education, he seems to think it'll all be sooo easy - i'll just get pregnant, have a baby and live happily ever after...

[Laura]

Hey Tess

The What to Expect book does recommend that men take folic acid too. I think for them the recommendation is that they start about 3 months before starting to try for a baby. I can't remember exactly what the logic behind men taking it is, but you should be able to check it easily from the book. Actually, when I went to Boots to buy the folic acid for me, I found that men taking pre-natal vitamins seem pretty common as they have lots of pills that are specifically designed for men to take, with a different set of stuff in it from the women's tablets.

I'm already resenting the fact that I will have to do all the hard work in the pregnancy and he just gets to have the fun bits of trying for a baby and then being a proud father. So I've made it plenty clear that if I struggle with SPD etc. he will be expected to do all the housework as well as looking after me. Fingers crossed, so far he seems to be pretty realistic about what might happen. And he is doing some really sweet things, like buying himself a set of weights so that he can improve his muscle condition for when he has to do all the heavy lifting and potentially manouver me in and out of a wheelchair.

I think the Blokes Guide to Prenancy book looks pretty good. It is written in a very funny way, while still being full of information, and my husband certainly enjoys reading it. The bits I've glanced at have been hilarious.

The financial aspect rather worries me too. We also got married last year and are still recovering from the wedding and the honeymoon, plus we've been doing major redecorating this year. There's so much baby stuff to buy! I've been fairly restrained so far in making purchases, although my OH had to drag me a way from a moses basket I was dying to get...

[Tess]

Oh i will have to read the book soon then and find out more. I'm halfway through Isobel Knight's 'Bending without Breaking at the moment, so once i've finished that i'll start on the baby books!
Will def get that one for my husband too - sounds like just what i'm looking for.

There are so many things to buy for babies, and it all looks so cute! My best friend had her first baby a few months ago and i got so carried away with the presents, i couldn't resist all the pretty little outfits and things.

I noticed on your earlier post that you were waiting for an appointment with Prof Grahame. Have you been to see him yet, and if so, what was it like? I have asked for a referral from my GP, but only asked last week, so not expecting to hear anything for a while yet. I have been diagnosed by a local Rheumatologist as having 'hypermobility' - but I'm hoping for a more detailed diagnosis.

[Laura]

I went to an appointment at UCH in June, although it was in general rheumatology rather than the HMS clinic. I saw a register who basically told me that Prof G was too busy to see me (I'm guessing my HMS isn't interesting enough). Despite this, the registrar was actually the best doctor I've seen regarding my condition and the visit was really helpful. When I mentioned having children, he promised to speak to Prof G about my concerns and he phoned me couple of weeks later, having done so. He didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know about the impact of HMS on pregnancy and child birth, but he did send Prof G's summary note (the one also in the HMSA website re pregnancy) on UCH headed page, which I think will be very useful when I start hounding doctors. I also got some exercise sheets that I can do together and in addition to the physio I've been referred to. It may be that if you haven't yet been diagnosed with HMS, you may have a better chance of being referred to Prof G himself.

One of the major concerns I still have is pain management before and during the pregnancy, but I'm hoping that my gp won't be a total idiot about it. I'll go and talk to her about it slightly closer to the time when we might start trying and see what she says.

[Tess]

Oh well, I'm still waiting to hear back about an appointment, so we'll see what happens. Sounds like it was helpful for you though.
Good luck with the health regime - i'm struggling with the healthy eating at the moment! All my favourite foods are really creamy fattening things like curries, lasagne, and anything with loads of cheese in it!
Maybe we'll be sharing experiences and stories about pregnancy this time next year!?