Kids, or no kids...?

[anna]

Maybe 'cos I'm older, I'm coming from this slightly differently. I honestly believe that deep inside each of us we know what is right. For us, it's been no children, but we have many genetic issues, more than just eds/hms. I will always have some regret that I didn't (actually I have recently found out I couldn't) but I also know that it wasn't right for me. So, get all the advice you want to, weigh it all up carefully and I think you'll make the right decision for you. Good luck, one and all.

[Sola^]

My boyfriend probably will not want kids. He told me yesterday...so now I have to choose between an amazing boyfriend and kids? I don't want to make that choice!

[anna]

So sorry to read your post. Don't know what to say, except things have a way of working out in the end, so I'm sending you lots of

[Sola^]

Thanks

Have given it some thoughts and I will let it be for now. I don't want kids before I've worked for a year or two...and before that I have to finish the two last years of my bachelor degree. Maybe my bf will change his mind or maybe I will.

I guess I will just wait and see...and try not to think too much about it.

[flyingfairy]

it is a difficult decision, personally i would have to give it some thought. Don't let your boyfriend put any pressure on you because at the end of the day it is your body, i am sure he wouldn't do that to you anyway

[kimsta]

hiya all,

ahhh.....I heard form a friend today who had a baby, and was describing how amazing joyful it was.......and though I was glad for them, I became very sad at the thought that my hubby and I might not be able to share in this joy........I am not sure if I want to have kids with all the health ssues Ive had.......yet, I feel it would be nice to..........I am really worreid about how I will manage to look after a kid, most days I barely cope just keeping the house in order and cooking for myslef and hubby........

everytime Ive brough the issue up with hubby he jsut shrugs it away, but I knwo he really wants to have kids.......

but, I really dont know if I can physically adn mentally take any more pain.....

grrrrrr...........not fair.......I see all our friends aroud us who are healthy and having healthy babies and having fun with them....and ......I feel its not fair........sorry for whinging....am jsut feeling rather sorry for myself today

[roqchiq]

Kimsta - I know exactly where you're coming from I often feel the same myself.

At the moment my CFS/ME is too bad to even contemplate having kids, and then if I had more energy would pregnancy labour etc make my HMS so bad I couldn't enjoy looking after a baby anyway???

There aren't any easy answers, so have another

[kimsta]

yeah, I know there are no easy answers.........I wish someone I didnt feel envious of all those who have kids and seem so happy.......It almost feels like there is a levelof happiness I will never be able to experience if I dont have kids......and that makes me sad....

[mrsc2b]

Hi
I'm really confused. I'm really broody and desperately want to have chlidren as soon as possible. I have PCOS and HMS so the odds of getting pregnant are going to be harder for me I understand this. My concern and especially my husbands concern is that at the moment I am working full time and barely coping with normal life. I'm sleeping most of my spare time and walking is a struggle. I'm the breadwinner out of the two of us and can't afford not to work and I can't seem to get DLA.... (no suprise there!) I dont want to end up having people tell me they told me so when I can't cope!
Any advice on how you cope as a mother I know it is worth it but whether you would have done things different;y if you'de had the chance?
x

[nickb]

Hiya

You have alot of different issues going on here but I'll answer what I can about our situation

I have PCOS, fibro and HMS, we were told the HMS wouldn't not impact our chances of having a child-just the pcos/fibro issue. It took us 7 years, alot of drugs and 4 cycles of ICSI to conceive but she is worth every minute and every penny. I must add everyone's level of PCOS is different and we had factors on my husbands side too so please don't think I'm suggesting the only way is through IVF!

Finances are a big issue for anyone having kids I guess but HMS does make things even harder . Do you have to remain the breadwinner? Is there anything you could do to plan ahead between you, better qualifications to get better jobs/less hours for the same pay? I know you are desperate to start now, and I do appreciate how broody you can get believe me, but in a way having to wait the 7 years we did meant our financial situation was better when we did finally have CJ.

In a way having to work still-I do 3 to 4 days a week, helps my hms, they are days off the lifting etc when I can sit at my desk (and have an adult conversation!)

Physically oh yes its hard-but so so rewarding. Yes certain things are tiring and hard but with babies/kids they keep moving on, progressing to the next stage so I just had to tell myself "this too will pass" I knew it would be easier once she slept through the night, sat up by herself, crawled so at each stage her needs, and the demands on me have changed. I'm looking forward to her walking now, that will definitely help my joints

We have decided to stop at one-I know I couldn't cope with 2 kids at diffeent ages, but I know alot of HMS mums who do a fantastic job.
Do you have family nearby who would be able to help out? I've heard good things about Homestart http://www.home-start.org.uk/homepage, it might be worth ringing them now to find out what sort of help is available

Sorry got to go cook tea but if I think of anything else I'll pop back here again.

[mrsc2b]

Thanks for replying I have no choice over work at present unfortunately although my friend an I are working on something that would enable us to be more flexible. Its good to hear that its manageable with support. I know my husband will be super supportive and I know that millions of women go through the same but I think its a case of hime not wanting me to get worse for the sake of having children.
x

[cat117]

I think the bottom just dropped out of my world. I hadn't even considered the implications of having kids with HMS. My partner and I are both still at Uni but every time we talk about the future we always imagine kids (he wants 4 but I think 2 would be about right), dogs and a kitty for me. But my HMS has deteriorated so much in the time I've known him, how can I possibly explain to him that in a few years time when we're both ready to have kids I might not be able to cope? And I'm not sure I could knowingly pass this on, it causes me so much pain and I know I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't have it so badly.

Sorry, just not sure how to deal with this.

[Rosie]

Hi Cat

Take a deep breath, and relax.
Having kids is a big decision for anyone, having HMS just complicates it a little.
Please remember that your condition does not have to remain the same. yes, you can deteriorate, but you could also improve as well. As you know about the issues now, you can do as much as you can to stabilise your body and strengthen your joints before you consider getting pregnant.
There is no need to panic, but it is probably worth discussing it with your partner. Hopefully you will be able to enrol him to help get your body as well as you can.
Yes, there is a 50/50 chance of someone with HMS passing it on to a child, but that also means there is a 50/50 chance that you won't. Also, there is no way of knowing how a child who inherits HMS will be effected. They may have no major issues at all. Also, you will have the advantage, as a parent with HMS, of recognising any problems that arise early on, and in getting appropriate treatment.
So please, don't panic, it is not the end of the world.

Rosie

[cat117]

Thanks Rosie. I'm sorry to be such a drama queen, I was having a really bad day and feeling sorry for myself and then I read through that thread. You're right of course, I should talk to him but I just can't face it at the moment. It's not a decision I have to make for a while so hopefully I'll get to see a proper physio before then.

Thanks again for the kind words.

[Laura]

For years I have been telling everyone, myself included, that I couldn't have children with HMS. I got very good convincing myself that I didn't even want children, but getting upset over both sister-in-laws announcing pregnancies showed me just how much that wasn't true. Now my husband and I are seriously thinking about trying for a baby early next year. I'm currently waiting for a referral to see prof. Grahame and hope to take the opportunity to discuss my potential pregnancy and how to cope with it.

In a way I have got over the hereditary nature of the condition by reminding myself that it's just as likely that I don't pass my condition on and even if I do, the child may only be hypermobile and not develop HMS. What really worries me is coping with the pregnancy. My HMS has deteriorated significantly over the last six months and although my meds have been pretty much doubled, the pain is still not under control. Combining that with not being able to have all the medication throughout the pregnancy and the potential that my condition could deteriorate during expecting really worries me. In a way I'm again less worried about coping after birth, because then I can get back on meds again, which will help tremendously.

But when it comes to making an informed decision about having children and hoping during pregnancy, I can't imagine a more valuable resource than these forums. So I just wanted to finish by saying a huge thanks to everyone who has posted on various threads about their experiences and knowledge, which helps people like me to be more confident that I am making the right decision for myself and my husband.

Laura