Angry little boy

[aheaps]

Hi everyone,

I desperately need some advice on how to cope with my 4 year old son (nearly 5).

Since my EDS has flared up again and have had to get wheelchair and mobility scooter, various aids and adaptions around the house etc he has been very angry and gets upset easily. He is also at times very naughty, answering back, sticking tongue out and point blank refusing to do stuff. I know all kids can be naughty but this is really bad. I have suspected that it stems from my condition at the moment and that he may be feeling insecure (he has always known that mammy has a bad back etc).

However today before I took him to nursery he asked whether I was going to die. I was so shocked. I said no of course not and asked whether that is what he had been thinking? He said yes because I was really poorly.

I have tried to reassure him but after school he was an absolute monster again and I am at my wits end of what to do. I try to be understanding with him but at the same time I cannot let him behave in this way. It is also getting to the point where myself and my husband end up loosing our temper with him because he is behaving so badly, he used to be quite well behaved, edxcept the normal childhood befhaviour for his age. I spoke to the nursery and they say that he is absolutely fine at school and he is probably acting out at home because he is unable to express his emmotions etc.

If anyone could offer some advice I would really appreciate it.

Thanks


Claire

[Alison C]

How about having a jam jar - each time he does something good, he wins a marble - when the jar is full, he has a treat (ie attention to what is good behaviour)

Do you do time out when he is naughty (eg perhaps after saying him not to do something again and then he does it again) eg letting him go to the bottom step for a few minutes (returning him there if he escapes) - see Toddler Taming book by Christopher Green (other great ideas there)

Mention that "mummy and daddy are in charge" - as suggested to me by playschool when I said my little one is trying to be assertive at home.

Perhaps contact HV in case he needs play therapy to help him work through his emotions? If he is feeling sad etc about your HMS, perhaps show him what you can do eg in play together, work out what you can do (board games, art/craft) and so on.

Just some ideas - may or may not be useful! My little one started to run ahead of me, realising she is faster so I used stickers for holding my hand etc and that helped, and insisted she held my hand.

Cheerio
Alison

[barkingmad]

Hi Claire,
I feel awful, why didnt you say something, there was me moaning yesterday

I had a similar problem a few year ago when i started rapidly declining. Aaron was eight, he had a past history of what we called demon attacks ,but seemed to have had outgrown them, and was usually a lovely, warm and kind kid. Suddenly, he was awful at home, I couldnt do anything with him, school were complaining, and i had heard him swearing in the street and I admit I suspected he might have been shoplifting but couldnt prove it! The school wanted him to see a psychologist but i refused...and I was glad I did in the end.

One day after he had been particularly awful, he suddenly shouted out why didnt I just die and get it over with.Turned out because I was in hospital or with drs all the time, had been on long term sick from work, I was sooo tired and in sooo much pain that he thought I was dying!!! I felt awful!!!! The poor kid had been worrying all the time and because I thought I was protecting him from my own reality he thought the worse.

Admittedly, I think I was so tied up with myself I neglected to see the impact on him and the other two, who were equally but less morbidly worried!! Over a period of time, I taught the children the ins and outs of HMS/EDS, made slightly easier because they can relate in different ways to symptoms. (All 3 EDS/HMS). Now we tend to try and talk positively about good and bad days, how best to cope and not to keep worries to themselves but to ask or tell me if something is worrying them.

Aaron was obviously older than Ben, but I think if you take it slowly he maybe able to start to understand. At the mo he needs lots of cuddles and kisses. The advice the others gave you on rewards/praise etc are sound ones, I used those too and the naughty step.

I think this will settle down Claire, and now he has actually told you whats wrong its so much easier to deal with. Also dont forget that at the moment you are fatigued and in additional pain from your trip to London, so that will make everything seem ten times worse.

PM'd you earlier before I read your post!! Sorry!!

Love to you both
Donna xx

[aheaps]

Thanks everyone for your replies,

We do already use the naughty step, although we call it a time out. I must admit that we haven't been very consistant with it at the moment with everything going on. I think he is probably feeling a bit neglected as well because I cannot do much with him at the moment and loads has been happening with visits to hospital, adaptations in the house, wheelchairs etc.

I agree that he needs lots of attention and rewards for his good behaviour. I think that we will just have to be more consistant and try to reassure as much as possible. He is usually quite well behaved and hopefully we can just ride it out. I must bring in a better reward system for him like the marbles.

If it doesn't improve I think I will contact his Health Visitor for any advice or help they can give.

Thanks again

Claire

[Alison C]

Hello

A few more thoughts

- do you think he is a bit achy? After a session at playschool, could he be really tired. Young children with HMS find it hard to say they are in pain - instead they can appear ratty, pale, tired etc. They can also seem as if they have dyspraxia - fidgeting, needing to spin around (or the opposite) - always on the go etc (more on this at the website - search sensory integration).
- yes - consistency really works! - it is tricky to maintain when you feel tired and achy but little ones need the same messages otherwise they get so confused
- I do not mean to write this insensitively but try to think what you CAN do you for your son - you ARE a fab Mum! The less negative you feel about yourself, the happier he could feel - children easily pick upon thoughts and feelings of their parents. I do think what I cannot do for my children - comparing myself to the superfit parents I meet - but I have to stop and think that actually we are OK - we just do things a bit differently from most. Like yesterday, there was a party after morning playschool for all parents/children - I would have loved to go but I had spent hte morning on my feet shopping, and my 4 yr old daughter was tired after her playschool morning - so we decided to chill out at home instead. This morning I was told "oh you were not there were you" by one mum, and so I took a deep breath and just said "no" with raised eyebrows - I did not even say why! Consequently my daughter will now not be in hte group photo for the end of year card - I did not realise this was going to take place so feel a bit miffed about this but it really does not matter in the whole picture of life! Sorry this is going on a bit! With HMS you have to continually give yourself a pat on the back (easy to do with hypermobile shoulders - hah hah!) and tell ourselves that we are doing our best and we are fab. I live in a particularly competitive area so have had years of listening to how great other mums feel they are (and what their children are achieving). What I am trying to say is please do remember that you are doing really well as a mum - the fact you posted here about him is proof of that.

Too much waffle - better go!

Cheerio
Alison

[lillymabel]

Hi,

I am sorry to hear your struggling. However, I thought I'd just put my bit in too !

My youngest son was always difficult whether there were reasons for it or not. I tried the star chart - we jointly made a Wallace and Gromit rocket poster and he got to stick on stars when he deserved them. Worked but only temporarily .

The only thing I can say is that he thrived off routine and when something was amiss - either I was unwell or we did something differently - he was the devils child. Yes, I lost my temper most of the time, cried a lot, total frustration.

3 things helped. The first was a visual chart, nothing special but a4 for each day. On each day you put a picture of what your doing that day.

The second thing was a little bag and in that bag he had 5 raffle tickets and he could swop those tickets at anytime for anything, for example, if he wanted to do something that I had said no to like have a biscuit before tea, watch tv, or if he had a row with me I would take one, tantrums = 1 ticket, hitting me with his book bag (god I remember that one) = 1. The aim was to have as many as pssible left at the end of the day and I would buy the remainning from him at 10p per ticket. At the end of the week he got to spend it on whatever he wanted. I know it sounds quite complex but I think that very fact helped too. Don't get me wrong it was no miracle cure but it helped me deal with him to as rather than stand screaming at him I'd just take a ticket and feel in charge again!

Lastly, I explained everything to him as detailed as I could. So when I were ill I would tell him what it was, what would happen, what we do in the mean time. He responded far better when in possession of all the gory details, the not knowing just confused him more and made his behaviour worse.

Who knows who is right and who is wrong, boy I know how he got me down at times and I sympathise with you completely. He did improve with every year the only problem was I found myself saying "oh in another six months it'll be easier" I wished his little life away . That said he is 11 now and is so loveable and funny and has always been really but when I ook back at photos he looks so gorgeous I do remind myself that he was a hell on legs but there is hope, tomorrow is always another day!

Sorry for going on but the last thing I would mention is Eye q fish oils. There is a post on them under HMS and Autism on related illness. Obviously I am not in anyway saying there is a Autism link as I have known loads regular children be helped by this brand of omegas and might be worth considering.

I wish you and your little boy a frustration free weekend!

[aheaps]

Well today we had a better day Yes he still got a bit angry at times when he couldn't have or do something but, because he has had more attention from both myself and my husband and had more posititive praise from us he has been better.

I really do need to be consistant with him and try not to forget that he is only 4 and doesn't understand what is wrong and what is happening. I honestly also think he feels a bit left out as well.

Alison I must search the sensory integrationas this does sound like Ben.

Once again thanks for all your help, I certainly feel a bit better about it all now.



Claire

[Alison C]

If you think sensory integration may be worthwhile looking into, it can part of paediatric occupational therapy usually at a child development centre.

Just a quick note - glad today went better

Alison