Insensitive comments

[peekay]

Fireflies,

Thank you for your comments, it's lovely to see that someone has such an incredibly supportive friend out there, and that you are trying to help your friend through this difficult time.

Welcome to our forum, have a look around, and we're a friendly bunch, so please do ask any questions you might have, I'm sure someone will have an answer for you!

Take care, Peekay x

[Flora]

I have to agree with peekay, it is nice to see such a supportive friend. I know I would find things much harder without the support of my partner and family etc.

[sanguine_emma]

You lot are fabulous. I feel exactly the same when the 'well meaning' brigade start on the "what have you done now" tack. Depending how much pain I'm in, I vary the response from "nothing" to the whole collagen saga.

A few years ago I was having big neck problems and was walking around in a collar. I got at least one person every day saying " have you been in a car crash?" which by the end of 6 weeks was driving me potty!

I figure next time someone says "what have you done to yourself?" (which will be tomorrow as I've done my wrist in today and fully anticipate having to splint it tomorrow) I will say, "I've got a genetic joint disorder. But enough about me, what have YOU done? You look terrible!" except I won't, of course! I'm far too nice.

The other one I get is "urgh! stop doing that it's disgusting" (usually when I've got a foot pointing backwards or I've had a nice big stretch and gone crunch all the way up my spine). That can get annoying too, after a while. I somehow feel people would think twice about telling an amputee to cover up a stump because it disturbs them.

Fireflies - what a nice friend you are. It is most excellent to have you here.

Love to you all
Emma

PS I'm also a Christian and certainly not offended by the wheelchair thing largely because it hits the nail on the head quite well. This vicar should know better!

[grey owl]

Dear Bendy Bods,

The other day somebody said something to me which obviously wasn't meant to be insensitive, but because of how I was feeling it really hurt.

I was quite tired and rather down and I decided to make myself go out for my usual "trying to get fitter" walk to cheer myself up. After about five minutes I passed an aqaintance who has a visibly dicky hip going the other way. My hip was sore but I was trying to walk as normally as possible so as not to strain the other leg (with the dodgy hamstring!).

The other lady said "Hello again, you're as bad as me always going for walks- I've got a reason for mine though!". This was very mild compared with other possible comments, but it just made me feel very lonely and sad. I replied "there are reasons for mine too", but that probably just made me sound childish

I just wish that people would get to know me a bit better before judging my lifestyle or motivations. I suppose I could take my walking stick but as it is a trekking pole and I live in the Lakes people would just think me even fitter

All the Best
Grey Owl

[Mari]

Sorry, grey owl,
I completely understand how you must have felt. It does make you feel alone with your struggle, because others don't have any idea what you are coping with. It's not always visible, it's not obvious, but it's there with us every day of our lives. And the attitude/reaction of others can belittle our experience with a few words or a certain look.

Hope tomorrow's a brighter day.

Mari

[LucyM]

Up at the school I am known as the woman who limps. But nobody approaches me, I just hear the whispers. Some mums up the school know my medical history so they fight my corner, which is nice. But I wish people would not be so judgemental. Its almost like they think its our idea of fun wearing splints, or using devices to help us. All I can say is thank god I have my babies pram to lean on.... So I don't stick out that that much.

Take care
LucyM

[Blunderwoman]

Hi all

There is a young man who lives in our small town who goes to the same consultant as Hannah. He has a condition which affects the bone in one of his legs and has to wear a splint and use crutches. He gets around brilliantly on his crutches and even does things like play football on them and I suppose you cant see the splint under long trousers but I have seen his poor leg and think he is amazing. His mum was telling me that one day he came home from being out with his mates and was very quiet (not usual for him!) and when she asked what was wrong he asked if the consultant would consider cutting off his leg. Apparently while he was out playing with his friends a grown man (who should be thoroughly ashamed of himself) came over to him and said that he didnt know why he used the crutches as there was obviously nothing wrong with him. He has endured years of operations and there is nothing more that can be done for him. He was so upset that people might think that there was really nothing wrong that he wanted his leg amputated so that they could see there really was. His mum was obviously really upset and even I wanted to go and "punch this man's lights out". Why cant people keep their opinions to themselves.

When Hannah used to get upset at comments from other children at school I always used to ask when was it they qualified as doctors otherwise how can they possibly "make a diagnosis"!!!!

It is so hard when people make ignorant comments, I dont know what the answer is, life is hard enough as it is but I always try to live by "Mind Over Matter" - I dont Mind, they dont Matter!! and then try to forget them (not always easy I know).

Dont let them get you down!

Take care

Pauline

[Blaadyblah]

My right arm has spent the last week or so trying to fall off again and since my neck is also screaming at the moment I'm currently resting the right arm in a sling to give my neck/shoulder muscles a break when the arm isn't in use.

Today in the smoking room at work...

Him: Oh no, your wrist playing up again?
Me: Nope, this time my arm's trying to fall off.
Him: Your shoulder's slipping out?
Me: Yep, that's right. (thinking wow... someone's getting it!)
Him: Ow! If you were a horse they'd shoot you.

Hmm. Charming. He meant well, bless him, but how the hell are you supposed to react to that?!

[Flora]

mind over matter I'll have to remember that one.
I work with adults with learning disabilities, and this sometimes involves going out into the community with them, shopping etc. One day I was with one man, who also has a form of autism, shopping for CD's. as we entered the shop an assistant looked directly at him and said "oh no, the nutter is back" Luckily he didn't notice this insensitive comment as he was focused on the music, but had he heard him he would have been really hurt, and not be able to forget and move on due to the autism. It seems that because he has learning disabilities he is fair game for this assistant to just blurt things out and not have to think about the impact he could have. :bang:

[grey owl]

Dear Mari,

Thank you, it is really nice to know people who really understand and care

Today has been a lovely day. I had to choose between going on a demo. about possible ward closures at our local hospital and going out for the day with a friend in her car to celebrate her birthday. As it turned out this morning my knees and other bits of me were having a protest of their own due at least in part to the fact my front door has swelled with the damp and it takes all my strength to wrench it open.

This was not good but it really helped me to make the decision and so I went on the car trip over to the Yorkshire Dales. It has been a beautiful day weather wise and the scenery was magnificent. We both bought some new trousers from Daleswear one of our favourite shops. Mine were really fun childrens walking trousers (I am quite small so they fit me!) I reckon that even if my legs are going a bit pearshaped (not literally) they might at least look pretty

We also went to the Wensleydale Cheese factory, the home of the famous Wallace and Grommit cheese. All in all it was "a grand day out"!

Lots of Love
Grey Owl

[Retro]

I didn't know Wensledale cheese was real

[grey owl]

Dear Retro,

Nay lass!, of course Wensleydale Cheese is real, and delicious. It's best enjoyed with a slice of fruit cake! They also do interesting versions like Wensleydale Cheese and Cranberries and cheese made with sheeps milk (a lovely delicate flavour) but I think the original is best. I picked up a copy of Cheesy Crackers (their magazine) yesterday and I've just noticed that they do have a website http://www.wensleydale.co.uk if you're still not convinced

Sithee Later!
Lots of Love
Grey Owl

[justme]

wensleydale and cranberry is one of my weakness!

[Hayley]

I love it with the fruit cake!

Flora, if you go back to that store and have a word with management regarding that particular member of staff, I'm sure that they'll make sure she doesn't do it again - to anyone. I have three Autistic boys so I know exactly where you're coming from with that comment. It's just another 'invisible illness' isn't it?

Hayley

[Guest]

Hi Folks,

Had to laugh at the comment recently ushered from a colleague. Caring I know.......

After walking with a limp for the last year and a half (and trying to hide the pain in my face - unsuccessfully obviously) a 'friend' asked "Can't they give you anything for the pain?"

I had to look at her in astonishment, but then just shrugged my shoulders and said "they've tried" with a resigned air. I wasn't upset as she obviously was concerned, I just couldn't think of an adequate response.

People never cease to amaze me at their stupidity:!: