Bad Mummy

[cbrenchley]

I feel like a terrible mum. My 2 year old son is a very active child and i use to love tickling him, throwing him about etc etc but he doesnt understand (obvisously) that mummy cant do these things as often anymore (cos it b****y hurts) all he asks is "more" and i love to hear him happy. I now tell him he has to wait until daddy gets home.

Daddy seems to be bonding a lot more with him now as we dont get to do all the fun mucking about stuff. Sometimes i think F it and just get on with playing with my son but the pain that comes with it it agonising. I worry how it will effect things the older he gets. EVen just lifting him up it feels like my wrists are going to snap.

I was hoping that some mummies would be out here to give me some tips and advice

xx
claire

[elliewelly]

Hello! My daughter is 2 1/2 and I can't do these things either, but I don't feel bad about it. I stopped picking her up when she was 18 months old (except if she needs lifting onto a chair or something) and she quickly learned that (a) Daddy can lift/ carry her but Mummy can't and (b) she has to walk everywhere. She gave up the buggy of her own accord last summer because she is quite active and strong willed, but she has to understand that being carried isn't an option. If she has a tantrum about walking (rare) I wait for it to pass and we carry on. I can still tickle her and hold her hands while she bounces on the trampette etc, but her daddy does all of the really active play. Don't let it get you down - daddies are good at that kind of thing! Have you tried concentrating on the things you are good at, because I expect there are loads! I do crafts with Kate, read her endless stories, explore the Cbeebies website and watch the occasional video, play instruments, and play with her on the floor when able. She also likes dressing up, so I provide her with my shoes and accessories to borrow, and she also loves helping with simple jobs, like sorting washing. Perhaps this will give you some ideas for slightly less active things you can try? Do you have a garden you can just let your son run around in, or a local park? The only thing that makes me feel bad is that during my current pregnancy I've been unable to walk more than a few steps most of the time, so I can't take Kate to the park. Again, her dad obliges, and at least I know that in a few weeks I'll be able to walk again!

[elliewelly]

Oh yes and baking is fun too, although at this age they are quite impatient, so we go for packet mix cakes. Buttons Mini Muffins are quick and easy to make and taste great!

[cbrenchley]

thanks for the reply!

i can do most things but not for long and it blooming hurts

[aninja]

Hi Claire,

I think all mums struggle sometimes and of course we have a double whammy!

I find it really hard with telling my little un we can't go to the park because mummy can't make it that far. What I tend to do is plan doing the 'active stuff' when I know I've got a rest coming up! Either I book a couple of days annual leave so I can take her out 1 day and rest the next or just before her dad takes her for the weekend that way I know I can at least get some proper rest.

I still feel guilty when I have to say no! Now I am woking term time only so I am hoping I have more opportunity to try and do more 'active things' with her.

I guess in a way we have to pace ourselves even with the kids and that is so hard, the amount of times I've overdone it is unbelievable.

I once took my daughter to a theme park and ended up in bed for the following week!

Just wanted to let you know YOU ARE NOT A BAD MUMMY, like all of us you do as much as you can and no amount of going to the park will replace the love you share with your children.

You are not alone!

aninja
xx

[Clarabel]

What I tend to do is plan doing the 'active stuff' when I know I've got a rest coming up! Either I book a couple of days annual leave so I can take her out 1 day and rest the next or just before her dad takes her for the weekend that way I know I can at least get some proper rest.

Don't you find that kids just know this is what you have planned and take a massive sickie? Or is that just mine!! I plan a big trip somewhere thinking at least I can sleep it off tomorrow, and then she comes out in a massive temperature and swelling, the nursery sends her home and I have to manage the constant pick-me-up put-me-down of a screaming child with a nasty infection!! The worst thing it, I get a childcare payment on the basis I am too sick to look after her alone, but when she is ill they don't take her, but I am not less disabled on those days. I wonder how they think I can't look after a healthy child but I can look after a really needy one.

[sammyb]

hi all i have a 20 month old daughter she has adjusted really well she now pats the chair so i sit down then she'll climb up for a cuddle. you r not a bad mum. you may not beable to run around but that don't mean you love your kids any less, I bought a lot of paint paper glitter glue stickers pens etc.. so i sit and make things with my kids that way i dont hurt myself but they still get the quality time with me. salt doughs always gd we make x-mas decors every year the kids love it for thoughs who dunno how to make it 1 cup flour 1 cup salt and add water a lil at a time untill its the right consistencey. al i do then is bake the models in the oven untill dry/hard then once cooled the kids paint them or add glitter oh make sure you put hole for string b4 you bake lol
sometimes i struggle with that now as my hands keep cramping but i can sit and watch the kids which they seem to enjoy. i hope that helps.

[nickb]

great advice sammy will have to try that with my niece and nephew.
I have all this to look forward to-I'm 6 months pregnant now-but like Ellie I've always been crafty so I'm hoping to do lots of craft and messy indoors things when she is older. Its funny-thats the first thing alot of people said when we found out she is (probably) a girl-"oh good you can make cards with her!"
Little boys like crafts too-my 4yr old nephew is a very enthusiastic lad with a pritt stick!!

[jaymie]

I have found that i have lost some of the bond with both my children because i can't do everything daddy does. i cant even open a packet of sweets without scissors as my fingers are quite bad.
i take my son to mums and tots groups and at the end of both groups (so twice a week) they do ring a ring a roses...when it gets to the part where we all jump up with a one, two three we pick them up and throw them up. just lately i cant do this, or most of the actions that come with the other ryhmes. quite depressing and have even considered not taking him anymore but it's not his fault and i'd sooner he went.

My daughter is forever asking if we can go here there and everywhere and 9 times out of 10 im too tired or just cant face lifting my son into the car (only 3 doors + heavy 2 year old = near shoulder dislocation) so she goes without.

i find myself handing these tasks on to her dad which he is resentful of as we have just seperated and he doesnt really understand conditions he can't see or the fact i'm tired allllll the time.

i'm hoping some of you have some words of wisdom for me, i have considered dislocating ex's shoulder to enforce some understanding

i've given him all the readin on it which he has not read and theres no one else to help out so i'm stuck

[barkingmad]

Hi Jaymie,

Its really tough when you have young toddlers who are healthy and active...but kids do adjust and its a case of finding things that you can all do together without you injuring yourself or tiring yourself out. You shouldnt feel guilty that you cant do some of the things other mums do and there are plenty of things you can do with your kids, such as painting, colouring, swimming, cooking, going to an activity centre, museums (they have interactive things for tots), boards games, reading, plant some bulbs in pots, collages etc. There is also nothing wrong with sitting and cuddling and talking to your children either, even toddlers need to take a break at times and this time is an ideal time for you to take the opportunity to rest too.

Some local councils run activities for toddlers such as gym tots etc. Sure start also have quite a few programmes running in areas to get toddlers moving etc. Do your children attend nursery yet? Because if they do then it is likely that they will have lots of games, and physical activities there. There is sometimes useful information on groups/activities etc available through the library or GP surgeries. Meeting up with mums with children the same age as yours and going to a safe park for picnics with a football or something can also be fun for the kids and because they have eachother you can sit on the sidelines shouting encouragement.

If you are really struggling have a chat with your social services, explain that you are disabled or limited in mobilty and that you are having difficulties with some aspects of caring for two young tots. It maybe that they have a group you can all attend or that they can help by providing you with a 'helper' of some kind who can go to places with you and the children and help you to do the things you want to with the children.

Its also a really good time to start explaining to the children why you cant do things and say but we can do this instead...kids do adapt quickly and usually respond positively if they understand what the problem is, even at this age.

As for your ex !!! Its hard! All I can suggest is that you keep repeating why you are having problems with fatigue, pain and limited mobility. Make sure that he shares the childcare appropriately, giving you much needed time off to rest and to pace yourself. Sort of a chance to re-charge your batteries really.

I'm sure that Little Miss Cheerful wont mind me saying that she is in a similar situation...I will tell her tomorrow!!..and I'm sure she wouldnt mind if you PM her. Hope this helps a little

[jaymie]

Thanks for that, my eldest has just started school which seems to be putting even more of a strain on me as i end up really tired from the early start, my youngest goes to nursery with money i can't really afford but i have no choice coz i fall asleep midday most of the time and he causes so much distruction that i can't clean up.

As for the darling ex, he seems to think having them every other weekend is more than sufficient although i shouted and screamed just to get every weekend out of him i'm still worn out and don't have it in me to shout and scream for any more from him. he makes me feel lazy which i'm far from and he knows it.

just weighing things up right now as split was only 6 weeks ago, maybe ill adjust but i know that this is no life to say im 25

[barkingmad]

Jaymie I Pm'd you..if you need further info let me know by PM

[emmajordan]

I find swimming a great way to be active with my two year old without hurting myself. When I say swimming I really mean splashing !

[Eloise]

Jaymie - all I can add is hugs as I don't actually have kids.

However, we do have a toddler group at our church, and I would be horrified that a Mum felt she didn't want to come again as she couldn't do the activities. Have a word with the person organising it and explain your joint problems, I am sure they would want to try and find someway to help you out. If not, try and find another toddler group where they would be willing to help you.

As Donna said, kids do enjoy rough play, but they also need alot of cuddles and quiet time, reading book, doing colouring and things like that, so don't feel bad about what you can't do - just concentrate on what you can do. In fact, with the emotional time of a split up, the cuddling and talking to your kids to reassure them you love them is probably the best thing you can do.

6 weeks is very early in the split - lots of emotions and things to sort out. You will be able to adjust and find a new way of doing things. Make sure you talk to your family and friends (you will soon find out your true friends) also contact your local sure start and other services like that to find out what support is available in your area.

Take care and lots of hugs to you and your kids

PS - I run a child contact centre where kids get to see their non-resident parent, so I am quite an expert in the affects of split ups on kids and parents. It hard but things do get better.

[paw]

Jaymie, my Mom had a car with 3 doors and it did not have auto windows and door locks. (This was years ago before that was standard) She injured her shoulder over and over reaching across to unlock the door, and when getting in and out because the door was so long and heavy. When they bought a different car she immediately got much better with her shoulders and her whole body. She said if she had any idea she would have done it years sooner -- they had that car for 5 years. It was a nice car, just not one that was friendly to someone with bad joints.

So, if you can figure out a way to get a different car (trade with the ex if you can't buy one now?) that might take a little stress off your shoulders. Also you can work on teaching your son to climb into his car seat and then you fasten up the straps. With our bodies every little trick to keep from doing things that strain us adds up and allows us to have better days.

To all who read this: Just because we do things differently it does not make us bad Mums. I think we all feel that way (let down with ourselves) when we have to say no to doing something our kids want. All parents feel like that for one reason or another. When their kids want something too expensive or something we just don't agree with all parents have to say no even when they don't want to.